["Where The Devil Don't Stay" by Drive-By Truckers plays]
[fire crackles]
[puffs smoke]
♪ My daddy played poker In the woods they say ♪
- [cranking, buzzing] - ♪ Back in his younger days ♪
♪ Prohibition was the talk, but the rich folks walked ♪
- ♪ To the woods where my daddy stayed ♪ - [chains rattle]
- [squealing] - ♪ Jugs and jars from shiners ♪
- ♪ These old boys here ♪ - [menacing laughter]
♪ They ain't miners ♪
- ♪ They came from the twenty-niners ♪ - [whacking]
♪ It didn't take a hole in the ground To put the bottom in their face ♪
[engine revs]
[tires screech]
[engine rumbles]
[indistinct rustling]
[male host] Everybody, get loud for Nikki Glaser!
[audience cheers]
- [applause] - Yes! Yes! What's up? How are you?
- [continued cheering] - All right.
Good.
Me too. Me... Aw, I said, "Me too".
- Okay, shit. - [laughter]
Damn it! I have to tell my story now.
Real quick. This is no way to start a comedy show, clearly.
Let me get it out of the way.
I have a Me Too story, every woman in the business does.
A guy that I worked with and trusted did something pretty gross to me.
And it was backstage one night before a show,
we were hanging out in his green room and he got up to shut the door,
which is fine, I thought we were going to smoke pot or something, and then...
And then he locked it
and that's when I was like, "Wait, what?" And then...
He proceeded to then turn around...
and expose himself to me...
- emotionally. He started crying - [laughter]
and it was one of the most disgusting things
I've ever seen a man do.
I didn't know what to do. I froze.
I was just like, "Hey, can you take your dick out so I have somewhere to look?
'Cause I don't know what's going on with your face.
It's wet and red and I don't understand it.
So be a man right now...
- and take your dick out, okay?" - [audience laughs]
'Cause at least that I've seen before. I know...
That's old hat at this point.
[laughing]
There's a protocol for that.
If a guy takes his dick out and you don't want to see it and you're uncomfortable,
you know what to do.
You just kind of, like, go... [laughs nervously]
- You just kind of laugh nervously, - [laughter]
and kind of back out of the room and then go, "Okay," and shut the door
and then get blacklisted from the industry.
- [audience laughs] - So there's a system in place...
[applause]
I...
[stammers] So I'm... I do actually have a story about someone
and I would love-- When everyone was coming out with they're stories,
I was like, "I want to tell it so bad," but I can't because I asked around
and he, like, only did it to me,
'cause I'm, like, so pretty.
- [audience laughs] - I guess that's why.
That's why they do it, girls.
When a guy does something gross to you that you don't want him to do,
it's because you're so pretty he couldn't help himself, right?
So, when you go talking about it,
and telling people, it's like, you're kind of bragging.
- Like... - [laughter]
"Take it to the grave. We get it, you know you're pretty."
So...
[continued laughter]
It's true. When you're one woman with one story against one man,
you really have nothing.
You're what the legal system calls, and I think it's Latin, but it's...
- "lying whore," I think is what it is. - [uproarious laughter]
[applause]
And so...
Yeah, until I find at least six other women
with the same exact story against him...
keep enjoying his podcast.
- [Nikki laughs] - [audience oohs]
Yeah, you love it.
They all have one, it doesn't whittle it down.
- Not even in the slightest. So... - [cheering]
I'm single and, like, I just, like, don't want to be anymore.
I just... I want a boyfriend so bad.
I really... and I know you're not supposed to say that.
I'm reading all these books right now
about how to trick a man into loving you and...
- [laughter] - You know the titles,
they're, like, you know, always written in, like, angry lipstick
- or period blood and it's just like... - [continued laughter]
[gruff] Why Men Love Bitches, or like...
Getting to I Do.
I'm reading one right now, it's good, I'm in the middle of it,
it's called Fake It Till You Kill Yourself
- [audience laughs] - and I can't wait to finish it
because I'm so exhausted with being single.
The books say, "Don't say you want a boyfriend."
- I know I already fucked that up. - [laughing]
They definitely say don't talk about it into microphones on
globally streaming platform services, but...
I want a boyfriend.
And another rule, ladies, listen up.
Second rule is look fuckable all the time. All the time.
Look fuckable... I have to wear makeup all the time now.
And I know you guys are like, "Oh no, Nikki, you're beautiful."
And it's like, "I know. I know." Without makeup...
I am a beautiful man.
Without makeup, I look like a yoga instructor named Jesper.
- [laughing] - That's kind of my vibe.
I can't risk going out without makeup.
Are you joking me? I'm single.
That's the thing...
[stammers] Whenever I throw my hair up in a bun...
First of all, it's a man bun now.
- Like, men own buns. - [audience laughs]
You guys have stolen the most fun, easy style from us.
I can't wear my hair in a bun.
The only safe style for a woman now,
when you wear your hair up, is a high ponytail.
- Don't you dare take that from us. - [laughter]
Don't you dare! I'm serious.
Buns aren't safe anymore.
Keep the high pone.
If I ever wear a low pone... Low pones have never been safe.
When I wear a low pone without makeup, I look like Beethoven.
- [uproarious laughter] - That hasn't been mine for centuries.
[woman cackles]
I swear to God. You have to wear makeup all the time.
If you're single, do not leave the house without... If I see a girl without makeup,
I always am just like, "Oh my God, someone loves her."
- [audience laughs] - That is so... What is that like?
It's not feminist to say this, it isn't,
but it's, like, do you expect to find... What if you're in line at the drugstore,
and your soulmate is in line next to you, the guy that you're meant to be with,
and you don't have makeup on and you don't have a hot outfit on?
How is he supposed to know every best trait that you have
that aren't your looks? 'Cause I know you have a lot.
I have tons. I have the Gisele Bundchen of personalities,
but it doesn't mean shit unless I draw shadows on my face
to make it look like I have bone structure I do not have.
[laughter]
He's not going to look at me with my man face and my hair up in a bun
and just know that I'm loyal,
I'm funny, I do anal,
- like, all of my best... - [laughing and cheering]
That's stuff that comes out later.
You get it.
[continued laughter]
So if I ever go out without makeup, 'cause you want to let your skin breathe,
I always have to wear my "I Do Anal" shirt
- and that's just like... - [laughing]
That catches the eye, but it's always in the wash, you know, 'cause...
- [laughter] - [Nikki sighs]
I'm such a whore.
That's why I want a boyfriend. Can I be clear about this?
I don't want a boyfriend 'cause I want to get married and settle in.
I want a boyfriend so I can feel safe being a whore again.
- That's what I want. I really just... - [laughter]
I want a guy to date me for a couple months
so I can feel safe to get let out of my whore cage a little bit.
And then put back into one 'cause that's what I'm into.
- I really... I can't do this anymore. - [laughing]
I can't casually hook up anymore.
It hurts too much to hook up with a guy.
I can't stand it when you cum in my mouth
and then you stop watching my Instagram story the next day.
- [uproarious laughter] - Why'd you drop off?
- You watched it before! - [applause]
What happened?
[groans] Is there anything more pathetic, the next day,
when you're trying to wait for that guy to watch your story again
and you post one, you're like, "Hey, guys."
But you're really being like, "Hey, guy that I'm waiting to watch this."
And you like touch your mouth to remind him
- where his dick was hours before. - [audience laughs]
You're like, [nasally] "Hey."
And then you're just refreshing, waiting for him
and then your dad DM's you like, [dopey] "Killing it, Nik!"
- And you're just like, "Not now, Dad!" - [uproarious laughter]
[laughing] God!
[audience whoos and laughs]
He's like, "What did you have for breakfast?"
And I'm like, "Do you really want to know, Dad?
[laughter]
An ounce of cum and half a Kind bar, okay? That is exactly..."
[continued laughter]
"A Kind bar and a mean load, Dad."
[laughing]
"What flavor? Mixed nuts. What else, Dad?"
I'm just...
I just want to be a whore. I really do.
I am such a whore,
but outside of a relationship, I don't feel safe being a whore.
I really don't.
And for a while I was like,
"Maybe if I don't have sex, maybe if I don't let them in my puss,
I won't get attached. Maybe if I just blow guys."
So I was blowing guys and that's not safe either, girls.
There's something about their dick, it's like closer to your heart or something.
- [audience laughs] - It's just... It...
I go crazy.
Hand jobs? Hand jobs are all I have to get a guy off?
No, thank you. I'm terrible at hand jobs. I'm bad at hand jobs and guitar.
I know that about myself.
- [laughter] - I have bad rhythm...
I want to be good at guitar so bad. I've taken so many lessons
and every guitar lesson has gone like every hand job I've ever given.
It really has.
I'm, like, in a guy's studio apartment,
he's showing me a strumming pattern,
I feel like I'm doing a good job,
and eventually he's like, "Let's do it together."
And I'm like, "Okay,"
- [laughing] - and then we're doing it together.
And I'm like, "All right, we're jamming."
Then he's like, "Why don't you just watch me?"
I'm like, "Okay, I'm out. I don't care.
I am not good at this, so I'm going to wait for my mom to pick me up."
[audience laughs and cheers]
- And then he cums on me. - [continued laughter]
'Cause that's how I used to pay for my guitar lessons.
I mean that was before Venmo. It was a different time.
So you know what I'm doing?
'Cause I need to get a good old dicking down sometimes.
I need a dick in me. It feels great.
Even lesbians will attest to the fact that dicks feel amazing in you.
They use a meat substitute, but they're getting stuff, too.
[laughing]
So when I need dick, I go back to my ex.
I go sleep with my ex and everyone's like, "Don't do that, Nikki.
Don't go back to your ex."
It's not 'cause I'm weak. It's 'cause I break up with him,
and then I go date other guys and I look back at him
and I'm like, "Oh, he was the best...
I can do."
- Like, I just can't get better. - [audience laughs]
And so I sleep with him and it's easy.
I don't want to get back together with him. So I just don't even care.
I can show up... It's like an oil change, I feel like.
- [laughter] - I'm in and out in a half hour.
We bang it out.
He slaps a sticker on my forehead at the end of it,
writes a date with a Sharpie on it,
"Back in four months if I haven't found someone to love me."
[laughing]
I don't have to dress up.
I'm not like, "I need to look..." I don't shave my legs.
I can, like, wear no makeup.
I can be on my period.
Be like, "It just started," even though it's, like, full swing,
- You know, like, I just lie. [laughs] - [uproarious laughter]
He pulls out a tampon and he's like, "Really?" And I'm like...
- "Ah... - [laughing]
That's from last month.
Is that worse than me lying to you?"
[pained] I just want to be a slut.
Like, it sucks.
For the past fucking six years, I've slept with one person.
And I'm, like, kind of known as like, "You're, like, a slutty comic,"
'cause all I talk about is sex, and I want to be so bad.
My ex-boyfriend, by the way, has all of my naked pictures,
all of my best videos,
anytime I'm feeling myself, I ship one off to him.
And I know I shouldn't, the cloud is insecure,
but neither am I...
- [audience laughs] - and I need constant validation...
that I'm hot.
So I checked with him recently.
I was like, "Hey, have you ever shown anyone any of those pictures, ever?"
And he was like, "No, you know that I wouldn't do that.
You can trust me." And I was like,
- "Could you? Because I really... - [laughing]
Could you schedule a leak that I can seem upset about?"
Because I need to get the word out.
You need to get the word out. When you're a chick who wants to be seen as fuckable
and wants to, you know, let guys know, "Hey, I'm available."
You put out thirst traps, but it's really...
You can't... You gotta be very delicate about it.
You can't be one of these girls that's just like, "I'm hot."
Like, you can't... The only girls we let do that are pornstars and supermodels,
where you can just have your labia hanging out
and be like, "Rock the vote!" And everyone's like, "Go girl!"
- [laughter] - Like...
You can't just be a normal girl just being like, "I'm hot."
Because then what happens?
Your girlfriends screenshot it, and they start a text conversation about you
being like, "She thinks she's hot,"
and I only know that because I do it
to other girls,
- [laughter] - 'cause I'm jealous of your...
I'm just too insecure to just put it out there.
So you got to like, you know, group it with something else.
You always have to have an excuse to be hot.
You can't just be. You have to be like, "Happy birthday, Grandma!"
And then shove your tits next to your grandmother's decaying head.
- [laughing] - Be like, "Grandma!"
"Pool party for Grandma's birthday."
[infantile] "Grandma, why'd you make me wear this?"
[laughter]
"Grandma.
Grandma... Coachella with Grandma, dialysis tent!"
- [laughing] - She's just like, "My melanoma, Stacy,
get me out of the sun.
I'm thirsty."
I'm just like, "So am I, Grandma. Smile."
[laughter and applause]
You can't just be!
You have to have an excuse to be hot.
I mean, we used to have Halloween. Remember that?
When we had Halloween?
Until every stand-up comedian since 1995 wrote a joke about like,
[oafish] "Have you ever noticed girls use Halloween
as an excuse to dress like sluts?" [indistinct groaning]
[yelling] Yeah! I think I did!
[audience laughs]
I used to look forward to it
and plan for it and prepare for it.
But now because of you, you've drawn attention to it.
So everyone knows.
So the only girls that get to dress like sluts on Halloween are actual sluts,
and girls like me... I have to be like, "I'm a mailbox!"
- [laughter] - And like walk into a party...
with a big, cumbersome, cardboard box.
I'm like, "Why did I plank for two months? What was the purpose of this?"
Just let me be a slut.
Let me fix my dress. Okay.
So, a year ago, I was on the reality dance competition
Dancing with the Stars season 27,
- and... - [laughing]
It's a real number. I know it seems fake.
It's been on since 1943, apparently.
I was so honored to be asked
and if you don't know, I got first...
- voted off. So, that was... - [laughing]
- [man whoos] - Yeah.
Devastating. Didn't see it coming.
Okay, I'm not a good dancer, I knew I wouldn't win,
I just didn't think I would be first voted off.
Mostly 'cause there was a blind woman on the show,
- [laughing] - so I thought maybe... [laughs]
I'll be second. But, I was a worse dancer than a blind woman...
and her dog.
It was just the way it was.
That bitch made it to the semis and... the dog, and I...
It was... The show was amazing.
I almost didn't do the show because I can't dance,
to be honest with you.
I... I've never danced, I find it humiliating,
which is weird for me because it's hard to make me embarrassed.
Like, I can stand up here and talk to you about my vagina at length,
but like... Not about the length of my vagina, but it's...
[audience laughs]
It's like two inches clit to slit if we're really getting down to brass tacks, but...
But...
You see, sir.
- [uproarious laughter] - It's just... I apologize.
I'm Me Too-ing you right now. You did not ask for this,
but you're getting it.
Oh, God...
[laughs] I... Yeah, I didn't want to do it 'cause I can't dance.
I've never been able to dance. I don't dance at concerts.
I don't dance at weddings. I don't dance at funerals.
- I... - [laughter]
I'm reluctant to dance alone in my own apartment, truly.
I just... I'm always scared that there might be some intruder
watching me through the closet, just, like, kind of judging me.
Like... [groans]
And he sees me, like, bust a move
and then he just murders me, and it's like...
- [laughing] - I want both.
How do you know you're pretty when you get to heaven?
[continued laughter]
So... [laughs]
I was legit not going to do it,
and then my friend was like, "Wait a second, Nikki.
What about the outfits you get to wear?"
And I was like, "Oh, shit."
I forgot that Dancing with the Stars was an excuse to dress like a slut on TV.
I have... I completely forgot.
It's the greatest excuse.
"They made me wear this swimsuit. Oh, no."
So, when I got asked to do Dancing with the Stars, I was psyched,
'cause I was like, "Okay, great.
What other reason does a 35-year-old comedian
have to, like, wear a swimsuit on TV?"
And so I got all gussied up,
and it turns out I just look like JonBenet Ramsey
had she survived and never emotionally developed.
- [audience oohs, laughs] - Like, had she just kept living,
and never found any other interests or talents, just like...
Christmas Eve '95, just like...
[continued laughter]
I wanted to be hot on that show so bad.
'Cause everyone is hot on that show.
They spray-tan you within an inch of your race.
- I mean that was weird. - [audience laughs]
I came out of the spray-tan booth one day on that show
and I walked up to the producer, I was like, "This is blackface.
I'm going to get canceled."
And so we, like, settled on, like, a Guatemalan finish.
- [laughing] - And for some reason, that's an acceptable
skin tone to adopt as a white woman...
for now.
I loved that show, dude.
I was so sad when I got voted off because it's such a hot show.
My dance partner was... He's the hottest guy
I've ever seen in my life.
His name is Gleb Savchenko. He is as hot as his name is...
disgusting.
- [laughter] - So those two are perfectly correlated.
Gleb Savchenko.
The same spittle that comes out of my mouth when I say his name,
is the same that would spritz
- from between my legs - [cheering]
every time he walked into the dance studio.
It was wild.
I was like, "They're going to need to put down
like a wet floor sign when I perform.
I'm going to slip all over the place." It was so hot.
Everyone wanted to know, "Did you and Gleb bang?
Did you bang your partner?"
And it was like, "No 'cause he was married
- and he said no, so I respected that." - [uproarious laughter]
I did.
[applause]
Of course... He...
I was just honored to be with the hottest guy on the show
because that meant I was the hot girl on the show.
That's what everyone told me, "If you get Gleb, you're the hot girl."
And I was like, "Well, I got Gleb, so it must be!"
Then I found out that he was supposed to be partnered
with a 24-year-old Instagram model,
but his wife wouldn't let him, so she hand selected me
- [oohs and laughter] - as his...
[prolonged] Yep.
[laughing and cheering]
Old Big Bird isn't a threat, so...
[uproarious laughter]
And I twasn't. I twas not.
Oh, my God.
But that show is so sexy.
Even if you don't bang your partner, my God,
I was horned up the whole time. I'm getting touched so much.
You get touched so much when you dance,
and I had just gotten out of a relationship
where I didn't get touched at all, except when he hit me,
- and so it was just like... - [oohs]
It was in bed, and if he did it more, we would have lasted.
- But that's kind of what I'm into. - [laughter]
Anyone else getting into choked and slapped?
I'm sorry.
It's not, like, every time that I want that.
Just on days where I've talked to my mom on the phone too much and I, like,
don't like who I am or where I came from and I want to be called a dumb whore.
- [chuckles] It's kind of fun. - [laughing]
I like being called a stupid slut in bed, I think it's funny,
'cause I know I'm not. Like, I was in AP English.
- So, like, call me whatever you want. - [audience laughs]
- I don't care. - [applause]
I like it.
But, dude...
I was getting touched so much on Dancing with the Stars,
and I need that 'cause my love language is touch and money,
and so I was on Dancing with the Stars just getting it all the time.
I was like hanging out at the dance studio,
like, just talking to the other dancers all the time
because then I figured out that if you get injured they massage you.
Like, the other swarthy, shirtless Russian dancers will just like rub you
and so I sprained my clit a couple times,
- [laughing] - and I was limping in with that
on a daily basis, just re-injuring it.
I developed an affliction called "dancer's taint" that I made up and...
[oohs and laughter]
I was like, "Is there a way you could use
some of that gymnastics doctor's techniques?
- [audience oohs] - 'Cause I know they were controversial,
but if I consent to it..."
[laughter]
I gotta go. Thank you guys very much.
- [cheering and applause] - Thank you!
Thank you!
[continued cheering and applause]
["Where The Devil Don't Stay" plays]
♪ My daddy played poker In the woods they say ♪
♪ Back in his younger days ♪
♪ Prohibition was the talk, But the rich folks walked ♪
♪ To the woods where my daddy stayed ♪
♪ Jugs and jars from shiners ♪
♪ These old boys here, They ain't miners ♪
♪ They came from the twenty-niners ♪
♪ It didn't take a hole in the ground To put the bottom in their face ♪